Fight the Breakdown
by LittleMoonCake
Summary: Lies can't last forever. ONESHOT Rated T for dead children and language.


**Hello all. :) This is just a little one-shot about Joel and Ellie. I did this as more of a writing exercise than anything else. I've never written in first person OR present-tense before. Here's hoping it doesn't suck.**

**DISCLAIMER: _I don't own The Last Of Us. :(_**

**Happy reading!**

* * *

_**Ellie**_

Crud, I think, lightly touching the ever-present sores on my arm. I distantly hear Maria calling for me but I stay put where I am. It's been a month since the Fireflies. I'm in my room in the apartment Joel and I were given.

"Ellie?" Maria calls again. The door opens, letting in the evening light from outside. Maria walks in, causing the floorboards to creak with each step. I quickly pulled my sleeve down and stand. I go into the main room. "Hey, Maria." I say. _I won't tell her what's eating me._ I decide, chuckling at the grim pun.

"Hey kid." She replies. "We're about to eat. Come on." She says. I admire Maria. She doesn't ask questions. She doesn't hesitate. Maria just acts. I like her certainty.

"Cool." I say. I try my best to sound nonchalant, but Maria looks at me funny before leaving. I follow her. We head to the town hall that now serves as a community center. The town is pretty small. It's got a perimeter that's piled up with the broken down cars, and everyone lives in the apartment complexes that surround the town square. They're the kind of apartments that have front doors outside, instead of a hallway. I like it, because we each have little porches. I even managed to grow some tulips in an old pot I found.

I keep my distance behind Maria as we walk. A few birds fly out of a nearby tree. Maria turns to me and starts to walk backwards.

"What's the problem, kiddo? You seem sulky." She says. I laugh grimly. "Dude, we're in the middle of the apocalypse. Those bandits in the raid yesterday nearly took off Joel's leg. I just finished my last comic. I'm not exactly a bundle of joy right now." I say. I'm trying to act like it's a normal day with normal problems. She buys it.

"Buck up, Ellie. We got a good setup here. Everything's fine." By the time we finish talking, we've reached the town hall. Maria holds the door open and I go in.

I take my meal, stewed deer meat and an apple, and sit next to Joel. I never sit with the other kids my age. "How's your leg?" I ask, sniffing my soup. I decide I'm not hungry. Joel lifts up the leg of his pants, exposing the bandage on his calf where a bullet grazed him. "Ain't to serious. It'll be fine." He takes a gulp of stew before looking at me again. "What about you? How you holdin' up?" I give him my most convincing smile. "I'm fine." I say. He, like Maria, studies me for a moment, but goes back to eating.

I don't eat. I give my meal to some kid and go back to the apartment. Joel follows shortly.

"Ok, what's goin' on? You usually eat like a horse." He says after he shuts the door. I flop onto the couch and look at him. "What's it to you?" I say. He crosses his arms, waiting for an explanation. I sigh and lean forward with my elbows on my knees.

"It's my birthday." I mumble. Joel laughs. "That's not so bad. Happy birthday." He tells me. "What's so happy about it?" I say under my breath before going to my room. Joel still follows. "I dunno, Ellie. You tell me." He says, leaning against the door post.

I settle myself on my bed. "On my last birthday, a friend and I decided to sneak out of the quarantine zone, see if we could scavenge up some booze. We had never tried it before, so we were curious. We managed to get out without any trouble. How, I don't know. But we did. We went through a couple houses without finding anything interesting, but then we found an old bar. We went in and found one, single, lonely bottle of…. Cognac, I think. I found a pocketknife there too. I've had it ever since." I pat my pocket where the knife is stashed.

Joel seemed to realize how long this story would be, so he sat down next to me.

"We sat down to drink. We were so dumb, not closing any doors. We took turns trying to open the bottle, daring each other to take the first drink. We were laughing and carrying on, so we didn't hear them coming." I stop and sigh. "They attacked us. A bunch of runners. We tried to fight them, but we gave up and ran. We somehow managed to get away, but both of us were bit." Joel is staring at me intently now.

"You know the rest of the story. Riley says, 'Let's just wait it out. Y'know, we can be all poetic and just loose our minds together.' She was the first to die. Then Tess. Then Sam. And I'm _still _waiting for my fucking turn!" I get up and look at him. "I was supposed to die! I was supposed to die with every bloater we've seen, every spore I breathed!"

"Ellie-"

"No, Joel! I was supposed to die in that hospital too, wasn't I!?" I yell.

He stays silent.

"_Wasn't I?_" I repeat, my voice soft and dangerous.

Joel hesitates before he speaks. "The spores grow in your brain. They had to crack your head open to get to them. I couldn't let them kill you like that."

"So you lied to me. I _am_, the only cure, and they're still trying to make a vaccine! You _swore _that you were telling the truth!"

"Ellie-"

"You just go in, guns blazing, and rescue me, figuring it'd all be ok? _I could have ended all of this, Joel! I could've saved those people like Riley! And Tess! And Sam! __**How dare you**__!_" I scream. I trail off into a slur of obscenities, calling Joel names that make his jaw drop.

When I run out of things to say, I just stop and look him in the eyes. I see pain and anger. I storm into my room, slamming and locking the door behind me. I sit on my bed and stew about what just happened.

When it starts to get late, I decide to go to sleep. I take off my shoes and overshirt, leaving me in shorts and a tank top. I pull the ratty old blanket over my shoulders, and go to sleep.

* * *

It's early when I wake up. I sit in my bed and stare at the ceiling, still mulling over my new knowledge of the Fireflies. "He probably killed Marlene too…" I mumble to myself. The reality of the whole situation washes over me gently.

_It's because of me all those people died. All the people I shot. Every person that's getting infected is infected because I left._

I can't control it. I begin to cry; I cry for Riley. I cry for Tess. I cry for Sam and Henry. I cry for Marlene. I cry for everyone that died on my account. For the first time in my life, I actually lose it. My sobs grow until I'm wailing uncontrollably. I'm the wasted gift; the cure that could've been. The failed solution.

I hear commotion outside my door. It sounds like Maria. She's trying to convince Joel to let her talk to me, but he refuses and says to just give me time.

I cry for what feels like a lifetime. I let out all my anger, sorrow, hatred, and horror.

And then, nothing.

Silence.

I'm alone.

Utterly, painfully, alone.

The thing I fear most.

The lone survivor.

I start to take short, sharp breaths. I hyperventilate, panicking. My lungs burn, and I desperately try to slow my breathing. I start to cry again. I sob harder than before. I let a lifetime of pain with each sob.

When I come out of the haze of tears, my eyes sting and my sides hurt. I notice that it's late at night. I try to sleep, but I can't. I lie awake, not able to do much else.

When the sun rises after what feels like decades, Joel knocks on my door. "Ellie, c'mon girl. You gotta eat." He sounds tired. I ignore him.

"Ellie? You alive in there?" He yells again. I sit up and yell back, "You made sure of that, didn't you, Joel?"

He sighs. I hear a plate touch the floor. "It's right here if you want it."

I rummage in my pack. I find an old granola bar and munch on it. It's tough, but I choke it down.

I decide that I need to get out of this room, out of this house. I try the stables. Maria's there.

She's very surprised to see me. "Ellie? Whatcha doin'?" I don't humor her. "I want to go hunting." It's summer, and game is good. It's a good excuse, I think. Maria nods and saddles Excalibur, my favorite horse, and one other horse. When I question her, she says, "I don't want you riding out there alone. No matter how well you handle yourself, you never go out there alone."

"Fine." I say, mounting Excalibur. He's a good horse, young and strong. I take the lead, riding out of town at a quick pace. We go to the top of the ridge before slowing down. Maria loads a rifle and I string my bow. We ride on in silence, not wanting to scare game.

This is what I need. A distraction. We ride a bit before we spot a young stag. We tie the horses up and track it for an hour in silence before losing the trail. I stand and sigh. "I'll go over here, you look that way." Maria instructs. I go in the direction she indicated.

Alone again, I struggle to keep my resolve. _Fight the breakdown, Ellie. Fight it._ I tell myself. I take deep breaths and continue to hunt.

I walk through the leaves, careful not to step on twigs. A breeze is moving through the trees, rustling the branches. I nail a fat rabbit and tie it to my pack. I stop by a river to clean my arrow, carefully scrubbing the stone tip with my thumb. I stand up to wipe it off on my shirt and spot a clearing across the river. There's a little campsite. It looks abandoned, but there might be loot. I weigh my options and decide I should investigate. The river's fairly shallow and it's only a few yards across. I wade to the other bank. When I get there, I'm soaked from the waist up. I shiver and ransack the camp. A few pistol rounds, but nothing great.

I start to walk away and I see three piles of upturned earth. Each has a scrap of wood on it. I realize that they're graves. There's two big graves, and one small grave.

The two large graves each have small headstones carved out of wood scraps. One says:

_A father_

The other says:

_A mother_

I turn to the final grave This one has a broken plank sitting against a dirty teddy bear.

_A young son  
These are victims  
But aren't we all  
Stay safe_

For whatever reason, this affects me. I turn tail and run as fast as I can.

_Fight the breakdown._

My lungs hurt. How far have I run?

_Fight the breakdown._

Keep running. Just keep running.

_Fight the breakdown._

Maybe if I run fast enough, I can leave this nightmare.

_Fight the breakdown._

My legs feel like they're going to fall off. But I have to keep running.

_Fight. The. Breakdown._

It's getting dark.

_**Fight. The. Breakdown.**_

I trip over something. I scream and fall and try to catch myself with my hand, but it breaks under my weight. I begin to cry again. I cradle my hand against my chest and sit down on the ground. It's now pitch dark around me, and I'm alone.

Alone.

_Fight the…_

_Forget it._

* * *

I wake up in someone's arms. They're running with me, jostling me up and down. It's uncomfortable. As the world around me comes back into focus, I notice a searing pain coming from my right hand. I shut my eyes tight and hiss.

The person carrying me stops. "Hey, baby girl."

_Joel._

He puts me down and I open my eyes. My eyes sting, which means I've been crying. I can't remember anything from last night. It's early in the morning. The sky is still orange. Joel looks worn and concerned.

I look him dead in the eye, asking him a question.

"Their deaths are not on you."

I frown. "No, they're not." Joel seems relieved, but I'm not finished.

"They're on you." I spit.

He stands up and pulls me to my feet. "Ellie, we will talk about it later." He hands me my forgotten pack and a cloth to tie my arm to my neck with.

I huff and get on Excalibur, who's tied next to Joel's horse. Maria's horse is gone. I assume she's already gone home.

The ride is uncomfortably long. I must've been running for hours. My hand is red and swollen by the time we get back. Joel drags me back to the apartment and shuts the door.

"What kind of stunt were you pulling?" He says. He sounds angry. That's good, cause so am I.

"I found a dead family Joel. They had been torn up by infected, even the baby. The headstone said, '_These are victims, but aren't we all, so stay safe._' But we can't! People like them are gonna die, because I'm still alive. It's not gonna stop!" I yell, once again on the verge of tears.

Joel stares at me. "Ellie, it's never gonna stop. Now that it's started, it'll never, ever, stop. Vaccine or no, people are gonna die. That's just the world we live in. And that's just how it is; do what it takes to survive." He sits down. "People are always gonna die, Ellie. No matter how hard we try, we can't change what's happened. You just gotta move on."

He's telling me the truth. Not like after the Fireflies. I glance at a stack of history books in the corner.

"It's never gonna go back, is it?" I ask.

"No." He answers.

I sit down on the old couch next to him. He patches up my arm, and I go to the bathhouse. After I'm clean, Joel tells me it's movie night. He's trying to smooth this all over, so I agree to go and we go. The movie is some sing-along about a chick with long hair. The little kids all giggle and laugh, and Joel and I chuckle along. When it's over, we go to bed. It's a normal evening.

Well, as normal as it gets.

* * *

**I was stuck for an ending. Judge me if you will.**

**I tried to write as I think Ellie would think. I REALLY hated the ending. How could they end it on a lie? So, I wrote it as if I were Ellie. LOTS of emotions. Tons of feels.**

**If you can guess where I got Excalibur from, you're awesome.**

**What did you think? Please review. It makes me happy inside.**

**REVIEW! GO GO GO!**


End file.
